Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there!Edna promptly jumped in and saved him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said -:
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him. I am so sorry , but he is "dead.
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself..............
I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

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A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks,
"Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
"No.........," she said, "I'm your son's math teacher."

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,
" she said, "ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet
at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "
Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home,
the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social
security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too!!

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived.This is to have succeeded.

Unknown

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said,
"I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ...
I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "
You must have been quite a strong boy.
" When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like
to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would
not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and
I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel,
I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room
for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest.
But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand,"
I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went
for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "
Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever.
I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said,
"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."